Sometimes I picture God as a kid at the zoo looking through the telescope at my apelike movements. Scrapping for what little wisdom I can find in the times I have worshipped God in the stars holds me over, but is never enough to carry me to the life I want to live. I slip back into the comfort zone of I what I call a busy industrious life, far away from any mountains swirling with God’s breath. It is a life of little change that is easy to live until diseases rise to the surface.
Temptations tear layers of prayer and concentration away like a haunting ghost. If only life was simpler with fewer potholes, we could drive the road to peace serving all who are stopped at the side of the road. Instead I let my own situations destroy my opportunities to praise God in people. My ego is screaming for attention while the night bike rides tell me to stoop to the broken.
I would much rather just be an artist secluded from the world in mediation. Instead the world says college, job, wife, kids, medicare and death. I want a happy medium where I can serve with my talents without worldly standards. But what I want and what God has planned are two different things; I can only listen.
There is a mystery I don’t plan on solving.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
The stars, they shine for You
I have decided I am a teenage Chris Martin (frontman of coldplay): just enough soul searching while living in a “beautiful world,” but mysteriously insecure about genuine intimacy. People say they don’t understand me, never showing my true colors. And that is true, often I cannot get close enough to a person to spill, and it is not a trust thing, it is a personality. Tricks go on in my mind, because I decide this is who I am, who God made me to be. But a social world changes my ideas and God’s ideas, so I slip back into hiding.
But part of me understands that this is wonderful. I hold back pieces that only God can have, and this is the reason why I cannot tell you the real me. No human mind can figure me out; only God knows every single aspect, every situation I have encountered.
Intimacy could be amazing in its purest form, in God. Sharing God’s glory with another person in a way only He can provide promises to open doors I never thought existed. Believing in the person in front of us, not because we can grasp what they are made of, but because our faiths collide for a deeper connection in God. I have experienced glimpses of such intimacy at retreats and gatherings, where the deepest desire is to praise God.
I cannot tell you what I am truly like. I can tell you stories, of when the moon was so bright and I was a reflection, biking down a hill faster than cars with music so loud I could not hear myself breathe, though my heart was pounding like the bass riff in “Shiver.” Some call this paranoia; I call it God.
“I want to fly, I’ll never come down.”
But part of me understands that this is wonderful. I hold back pieces that only God can have, and this is the reason why I cannot tell you the real me. No human mind can figure me out; only God knows every single aspect, every situation I have encountered.
Intimacy could be amazing in its purest form, in God. Sharing God’s glory with another person in a way only He can provide promises to open doors I never thought existed. Believing in the person in front of us, not because we can grasp what they are made of, but because our faiths collide for a deeper connection in God. I have experienced glimpses of such intimacy at retreats and gatherings, where the deepest desire is to praise God.
I cannot tell you what I am truly like. I can tell you stories, of when the moon was so bright and I was a reflection, biking down a hill faster than cars with music so loud I could not hear myself breathe, though my heart was pounding like the bass riff in “Shiver.” Some call this paranoia; I call it God.
“I want to fly, I’ll never come down.”
Monday, September 25, 2006
One Body, one day..
It seems like the most powerful emotions come from the things that are not safe. For a long time, I believed that the Bible was a boxed in list of formulas for me to follow, if I wanted to be a good Christian. But a lot happened this summer, and at school, and my experiences have led me to believe otherwise.
Acts, at least to me, is the most adventurous book in the bible. The apostles were constantly on the move, serving, teaching, creating, testing, rebuking, encouraging… it is all one big learning process to what we call the “first church.” Nothing was set in stone, except for the words of Christ. But our culture’s church appears to have all the rules in place. Where did these rules come from? Sure, the apostles gave guidelines, and some of them were very strict, but look at the way we worship, only on Sunday mornings.. is that the way the apostles approached worship? They were constantly singing and praising God, and I don’t even believe there was a set day of the week for them to do it.
Americans often view Christianity as a religion, when it should be a lifestyle. It is assumed, at least in Bryant, that you have had some kind of run in with religion, most likely Christianity, so there isn’t a way to tell each other apart. We separate ourselves into denominations, making sure we don’t associate with each other. Oh, how I long for a day when we are united! Where Christ is all that matters, and we could test each other with Christ’s word in peaceful unity, because of His grace!
Maybe the church was like that at first, but arguments over interpreting Christ’s words made people break away and create different “kinds” of Christianity. I believe there is a movement among our generation to rebuild, because people are kingdom thinking instead of church thinking.
Acts, at least to me, is the most adventurous book in the bible. The apostles were constantly on the move, serving, teaching, creating, testing, rebuking, encouraging… it is all one big learning process to what we call the “first church.” Nothing was set in stone, except for the words of Christ. But our culture’s church appears to have all the rules in place. Where did these rules come from? Sure, the apostles gave guidelines, and some of them were very strict, but look at the way we worship, only on Sunday mornings.. is that the way the apostles approached worship? They were constantly singing and praising God, and I don’t even believe there was a set day of the week for them to do it.
Americans often view Christianity as a religion, when it should be a lifestyle. It is assumed, at least in Bryant, that you have had some kind of run in with religion, most likely Christianity, so there isn’t a way to tell each other apart. We separate ourselves into denominations, making sure we don’t associate with each other. Oh, how I long for a day when we are united! Where Christ is all that matters, and we could test each other with Christ’s word in peaceful unity, because of His grace!
Maybe the church was like that at first, but arguments over interpreting Christ’s words made people break away and create different “kinds” of Christianity. I believe there is a movement among our generation to rebuild, because people are kingdom thinking instead of church thinking.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Watch the storm from safety
I see pain in just about everyone's eyes, including mine. They are happy momentarily with that new girlfriend, but the minute they break up it is crushing; the worldly happiness is so much fun, then so much pain. It is wears away. The pleasure is useless. It is fading.
Like dust. (you heard me right, brett).
In the movie "hildago," a man and his horse race across the Sahara Desert, and a story of strong friendship between man and animal unfolds. I recall the final scene, in which a huge sandstorm chases them, but the horse rides fast enough to get the man behind an abandoned building for safety. Quite unrealistic, but beautiful when compared to my spirituality.
Jesus has picked me up, carrying me away from the storm I call my life. The dust, bones of old age and pleasure rot sweep right past me, the world trouble a joke.
Because I made it to the building. The building of God, and Jesus carried me there. And it wasn't just a last minute grace thing. The horse would not have sacrificed everything to save the rider if he didn't have some kind of relationship with him.
"Step out from time, see the dust of nations.. Saturn will not sleep until the dust has made us clean" --thrice
O commentary, and the things I wonder. The beautiful mystery captivates me, and I can't stop questioning! Testing, probing (see the book ' velvet Elvis'), Wrestling!
Listening...
(note: this is an entry in my journal from a long time ago, so I will update to recent stuff later)
Like dust. (you heard me right, brett).
In the movie "hildago," a man and his horse race across the Sahara Desert, and a story of strong friendship between man and animal unfolds. I recall the final scene, in which a huge sandstorm chases them, but the horse rides fast enough to get the man behind an abandoned building for safety. Quite unrealistic, but beautiful when compared to my spirituality.
Jesus has picked me up, carrying me away from the storm I call my life. The dust, bones of old age and pleasure rot sweep right past me, the world trouble a joke.
Because I made it to the building. The building of God, and Jesus carried me there. And it wasn't just a last minute grace thing. The horse would not have sacrificed everything to save the rider if he didn't have some kind of relationship with him.
"Step out from time, see the dust of nations.. Saturn will not sleep until the dust has made us clean" --thrice
O commentary, and the things I wonder. The beautiful mystery captivates me, and I can't stop questioning! Testing, probing (see the book ' velvet Elvis'), Wrestling!
Listening...
(note: this is an entry in my journal from a long time ago, so I will update to recent stuff later)
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Augustana, help me!
I haven’t blogged in forever, but tonight I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest. I am, quite frankly, terribly horrified of the future. Yes, I know this is faithless, but it seems to be something I just can’t get over. It doesn’t help that when I think I’ve got plans all figured out, I question myself constantly, eventually killing the whole idea in the process of thinking it out.
I was thinking about the song Boston: “I think I’ll go to Boston, I think I’ll start a new life.” I’ve been creating this attitude of mine that I am so ready to get out of Bryant, and just start over where “no one knows my name.” But then again, I honestly question myself about whether or not I would be able to adapt to such an environment, being the homegrown boy I sadly am. I love my friends, freakishly more than I realize, because it is what I am used to, and I love comfort. It’s uncomfortable for me to sit around with people I don’t know, and try to act like I am trying to get to know them, when with all of my being I wish I was with my comfort friends. Wow, I am totally selfish.
Then, I try to argue that maybe it is just the type of people that ticks me off. For example (no hard feelings), it is difficult to meet country boys, private schoolers, and women (sigh.), so I say, if only it was soccer players, journalists, and women of my type, I could easily adapt and develop strong relationships.
That’s not life, that high school. Stuck on cliques, so strongly, and I do it without even thinking. People are people, I am determined to prove that theory into a law. Molding them into what they aren’t isn’t worth it, so I need to teach myself how to be community man without getting frustrated. I could just carry around a sweet Jesus-mask, complete with full beard, and ask anyone who looks hard to talk to wear it. Or I could grow up, soon.
So I’ll look to this school year with enthusiasm, not because I heart Bryant High School, but because I heart the Jesus in people. I plan on sitting with a different group of people every week, just so I can talk with other folks. Cuz you know, I think I am falling in love with Him, which means everyone around me. Even you, country boy.
I was thinking about the song Boston: “I think I’ll go to Boston, I think I’ll start a new life.” I’ve been creating this attitude of mine that I am so ready to get out of Bryant, and just start over where “no one knows my name.” But then again, I honestly question myself about whether or not I would be able to adapt to such an environment, being the homegrown boy I sadly am. I love my friends, freakishly more than I realize, because it is what I am used to, and I love comfort. It’s uncomfortable for me to sit around with people I don’t know, and try to act like I am trying to get to know them, when with all of my being I wish I was with my comfort friends. Wow, I am totally selfish.
Then, I try to argue that maybe it is just the type of people that ticks me off. For example (no hard feelings), it is difficult to meet country boys, private schoolers, and women (sigh.), so I say, if only it was soccer players, journalists, and women of my type, I could easily adapt and develop strong relationships.
That’s not life, that high school. Stuck on cliques, so strongly, and I do it without even thinking. People are people, I am determined to prove that theory into a law. Molding them into what they aren’t isn’t worth it, so I need to teach myself how to be community man without getting frustrated. I could just carry around a sweet Jesus-mask, complete with full beard, and ask anyone who looks hard to talk to wear it. Or I could grow up, soon.
So I’ll look to this school year with enthusiasm, not because I heart Bryant High School, but because I heart the Jesus in people. I plan on sitting with a different group of people every week, just so I can talk with other folks. Cuz you know, I think I am falling in love with Him, which means everyone around me. Even you, country boy.
Friday, July 21, 2006
When Nature Calls..
I am a relatively simple Christian, in the fashion that nearly any emotional experience can drive me to feel the presence of God. I consider it a nature sort of thing, where the sunset drives, flowing rivers, and intimidating mountains pressure my soul more than any book every written. I guess you could say, when enduring such experiences, I am forced to think back to the beginning of it all, and ask myself, how could this just all be a coincidence?
It is funny how I will read such a deep, physiological book or passage, and find statements ridiculous… over thinking, to be simple. I would enjoy comparing their theses to Mount Everest, even the family of birds nesting in the nook between the siding and my back porch door. I would challenge them to focus, not on the ideas in their coffee infested heads, but on the nature around them. Amazing how approaching my life’s purpose from this angle will automatically take me to a Higher Being.
Every detail is perfect… if the sun were one fraction of a step closer to Earth, we would be planet toaster sandwich, with flowing lava on the side to wash it down; one fraction of a step farther away, and ice would replace everything, including the flowing lava. So if the setting was created perfectly for humans, doesn’t it make sense that humans were created for something better than just existing? Sure, perfection doesn’t exactly define our planet, considering every human has pain; but remember, everyone was born with a soul, mind, and heart, and while one part may be stronger than another, I feel like each part serves a purpose in my walk to Heaven.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Brave New World
"We can make a new one [person] with the greatest ease---as many as we like. Unorthodoxy threatens more than the life of a mere individual; it strikes at Society itself. Yes, at Society itself." -Brave New World
In Brave New World, which i am currently reading, one man "threatens" society with his unorthodoxy, and the Director speeches out against him in the above words.
Ask any English teacher about this quote, and immediately they will reach for the modern days. We students hear the usual, if the future generation doesn't educate themselves or strive for individuality, we will all become like Brave New World. Frankly, I am sick of this message. It is constantly being pushed on young people, whether in music, writing, television, movies, etc. But i want to focus on music for a second. It seems obvious nowadays that each band should have a song that talks about how we are all becoming alike, and are slowly edging toward individual distruction. The reason this ticks me off is because they do this with the attitude that they are the only people artistically challenging themselves... did they ever think that they were just looking in the wrong places? (trying changing the channel from MTV, for example)
When i go to an amazing retreat, and i feel the passion of all the teachers, and i see how young people react to such speakers, i think there is no way we could become one "Society." All of this folks, with such passions, could never be hammered down into a mold; and they people they influence will not be able to be destroyed either. Or even Boys State, the most elite gathering of young men; there is no way that one can think that the delegates would take part in one Society after witnessing their passion, let alone the master Boys Nation delegates.
Yes, i can understand a reason for alarm when you see certain parts of humanity, like MTV shows. We should always be on our toes, continually gaining knowledge and allow these cries for society to not frustrate those who are fighting, but rather motivate to prove them wrong.
In Brave New World, which i am currently reading, one man "threatens" society with his unorthodoxy, and the Director speeches out against him in the above words.
Ask any English teacher about this quote, and immediately they will reach for the modern days. We students hear the usual, if the future generation doesn't educate themselves or strive for individuality, we will all become like Brave New World. Frankly, I am sick of this message. It is constantly being pushed on young people, whether in music, writing, television, movies, etc. But i want to focus on music for a second. It seems obvious nowadays that each band should have a song that talks about how we are all becoming alike, and are slowly edging toward individual distruction. The reason this ticks me off is because they do this with the attitude that they are the only people artistically challenging themselves... did they ever think that they were just looking in the wrong places? (trying changing the channel from MTV, for example)
When i go to an amazing retreat, and i feel the passion of all the teachers, and i see how young people react to such speakers, i think there is no way we could become one "Society." All of this folks, with such passions, could never be hammered down into a mold; and they people they influence will not be able to be destroyed either. Or even Boys State, the most elite gathering of young men; there is no way that one can think that the delegates would take part in one Society after witnessing their passion, let alone the master Boys Nation delegates.
Yes, i can understand a reason for alarm when you see certain parts of humanity, like MTV shows. We should always be on our toes, continually gaining knowledge and allow these cries for society to not frustrate those who are fighting, but rather motivate to prove them wrong.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
women, and assorted fruits.
the usual, you pass two happy lovers, holding hands and walking in the park. if i was to pressure all of the many "readers" who stumble upon this blog into believing that this scene, while beautiful, is ridiculiouousousous (sp?), they would quickly form a mob, and the results would be madness.
I use that intro to say, i will use this blog to splurt out my thoughts on women and assorted, messed up thoughts, but will zoom out to see the real picture, the genuine love behind relationships, and that is in our Lord Jesus Christ. this i will strive for, but feel free to keep me in line. scribble dizzle, out.
I use that intro to say, i will use this blog to splurt out my thoughts on women and assorted, messed up thoughts, but will zoom out to see the real picture, the genuine love behind relationships, and that is in our Lord Jesus Christ. this i will strive for, but feel free to keep me in line. scribble dizzle, out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)