Let me scribble, dizzle.

Africa/Wherever You Are

2007-09-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

Mission week at harding really got me excited for the possibility of going overseas. My mind would wander to an organic trip to Africa, one where everyday I am immersed by a culture and the work of being Christ’s servant. I feel like I could really thrive in this kind of environment. It only takes me a like a week to get used to a setting. For example college during the first week was pretty overwhelming but by the next week I had my schedule down.

But these kind of trips cost big money, money that I earn by working like twelve hours a week at minimum wage (I am not complaining about my job, I actually love it). It would take complete commitment and everywhere I turn in this college life there is more commitment: it is starting to add up. Classes, work, social clubs, friends and serving around Searcy. I don’t think I could just drop everything at this point in my life and go.

Unfortunately this isn’t how my mind operates. I want to escape. I find myself driving out to Riverside Park alone just to run and climb like a child. Responsibilities start to drive me crazy to where I feel like I will explode soon if I don’t get out. What am I running from? I am running from my rationalization. I tell myself that my problems will just suddenly disappear if I could just reach this part of life, the servant lifestyle. I say the world will just make sense when all my energy is directing toward missions.

I think I am just wanting to see God in His rawest form. Danger.

I poured all of this out to a good friend the other day and he helped me realize where I was at in my life. He thought maybe I was forgetting how much of a journey service happens to be. It is not a destination. It is more than medical missions in Africa. It is saying hello, how are you? to the postal man and really wanted to share with him. Discovering that God is inside all of us and helping everyone see the true reality.

What does all of this require? Patience.

God gave me the resources to learn at an amazing Christian university. I have been richly blessed yet, I want get out. The crazy thing is all the people in the places I want to escape to would give everything to come to America to get an education. It is selfish of me, really. Inside I am taking everything for granted. I still slack off in my studies because I want to just have fun; how can I act like this and still think I would thrive in Africa? I have been just bashing myself for being blessed and having money in my pockets. God gave me these materials for a reason. It is time that I start focusing my energy toward the journey and not the next point in my life.

I am going to pray for understanding and clarity of mind. I want to use every part of my education to better the world for Christ’s sake. My actions in school should reflect a servant’s heart. And not for me because this whole Christian thing, it is a spirit of community. None of this personal relationship stuff. I am losing myself in Jesus, who is reflected in the souls surrounding me.

Paul’s words to Timothy: Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith.

A Natural God

2007-09-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Lo, the poor Indian! whose untutored mind
Sees God in clouds, or hears him in the wind;
His soul, proud Science never taught to stray
Far as the solar walk, or milky way;
Yet simple Nature to his hope has given,
Behind the cloud-top hill, a humbler heaven;
Some safer world in depth of woods embraced,
Some happier island in the watery waste,
Where slaves once more their nature land behold,
No fiends torment, no Christians thirst for gold.
To Be, contents his natural desire,
He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire;
But thinks, admitted to that equal sky,
His faithful dog shall bear him company.

--A passage I really enjoyed from Alexander Pope's An Essay of Man

The Aboveground Movement

2007-08-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the bible is overwhelming. I want to study each passage with intense investigation but i get boggled down by the massive scope I am dealing with. Every time I read a verse or hear a verse in a devotional I find it extremely insightful. But when does it end? When will I be able to comprehend and relate multiple contexts of the Bible together? I could spent hours on just one verse questioning God's words, trying to understand what they really mean in this period of history. When I think about this, I think I might be missing something important in other passages, like I am wasting time reflecting and probing. So in my bible time I often get frustrated and apprehensive. Jittery. Loose minded.

Then I came to Harding and my voice was quivering.

On top of the Ganus Athletic Center singing hymns to God in the cold breeze of the night. We were standing on Holy Ground.

It doesn't matter what I have gained for I can count it as nothing to the greatness of Christ. A Savior I can literally see move here at school. It scares me sometimes. The wholeness of it all. I was made for this. In a time of transition when I am struggling so much to find out my life's purpose I am handed experiences in worship, encouraging beyond measure. I can literally see God's kingdom coming down to Earth when I sing here at Harding. People wrestling from their toes to the soul. Sincere hearts searching for God's will no matter what path they are on---they are here for a reason.

I don't want it to stop. Normally I go to camps or retreats and return the next week to forget everything I obtained. I have four more years of college. Everyday here moves so slow but not in a bad way at all; instead because we do so much in one day that I lose track of the days. Only moments exist here.

My prayer is that I will press on in the showers of blessings and not forget the goal, to spread the joy we have in Christ. I am learning that there is unlimited energy in the spirit. I can do anything with this high. I know this life is one of suffering, but the times of great happiness in community can carry me through the battle in expectation of our life together in paradise.

Thoughts of a Consumer/Wake Up!

2007-08-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am a consumer on the way to the mall. I will covet and discuss the latest entertainment products while families in Central America move to the mountains because their homes are destroyed by consumer infested minds. I had no idea how big of an impact each decision could make until i read "Serve God Save the Planet," and although it might not have served as a direct discussion of our global impact it got me out of my seat and probing about my lifestyle.

And it all makes perfect sense.

Jesus claimed it would be extremely difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Most of us don't profess to be rich but the fact is we are in worldly standards and for that I want to reconsider my material choices.

In the heart of Dallas is a really sad city. Everything appears happy on the outside because of the overwhelming commerce but i highly doubt that many people realize how they are just living in the fast lane that eventually leads to destruction. Because everything is bigger in Texas. Having everything available right in front of you digresses one of our essential needs in life: work. We can't savor what is good and what is hard since all of life flies by on the interstate of material malls and large SUV's.

Maybe if in the beginning we were to refocus our energy instead of relying on labor saving devices we would gain practical exhaustion that can bring peace, joy and understanding. We pay big bucks for a nice lawn mower that saves time, and then we pay a fee to work out with a piece of plastic to lose the gut. It just makes more sense to make the simple decision to labor a little bit more for what is necessary, then we can celebrate in our concentrated effort by using the left over money toward a healthy cause.

I want to begin my green journey in college. It is so hard for me to make choices and not press them upon others. I can get so frustrated with systems of living I am aware of. A recognition of poverty and hunger is evident in our society but most people can't grasp that environmental decision can affect world tribulations.

Maybe I am approaching the environment wrong form the start. It is not about discussing how we are destroying as a consumer but how we are continually journeying toward asking in everything living in line with God's will.

Not, how can we stop this?, but How can we begin this?

It appears those who are aware of our environmental problem believe that mass media trying to sell right and left is simply unavoidable. What if we focus on Christ's calling, so to redirect our attention to the central spiritual energy of the sanctity of life by revolving around the relationships we have with each other? We can never stop the river of false advertising but maybe we can find a quiet cove that can eventually dam up the flow of disaster. We can change the course of history. We can enlighten others of the joy of living simply, how it can avoid the pain of cultural competition.

I think a powerful step for me is the television. Thought I have never actually been much of a TV guy avoiding it all together and diverting my energy to different causes by turing it off could alter my heart by bounds. Satan twists messages in sometimes loud but more often subtle lines on TV and i think it affects me more than I realize. On our youth group's trip to Dallas, this abstinence created numerous opportunities for genuine conversation filled with the Spirit and gave us stronger ways to have fun. TV is just another search for happiness that cannot be obtained in Earthly fashion. My cellphone and even my iPod (gasp!) could be innovative ways to fast that might bring me closer to God.

Even in music i search for the next big artist, when in all reality it is just series of sounds mixed together. I can attain those feelings in nature without a desperate search. Music in its rawest form is an abstract idea and musical melody molded together for an emotionally important effect, so if those two things are in place what do upgrades matter? My parent's generation generally only remember a handful of bands these days. I want to live like that, like history is on the line.

Tonight I want to fall asleep to melody that carries over generations and sings the song of our Lord.

"Children, wake up! hold your mistakes up! before they turn the summer into dust.." --The Arcade Fire

Green Samaritans

2007-07-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

I decided to wait and sleep on my blog yesterday, and I think it was a good thing. Today was an overwhelming flow of thoughts, so much that I had to list them as they hit me during the day.
Lately my heart has been in the environment. I feel God calling me to examine my lifestyle and how it can reflect a healthier lifestyle that protects creation. It just so happens that the series I have been listening to through Mars Hill Church was called God is Green. The series has really made me pay closer attention to our society’s view of the environment. When I see someone litter or even just speed past me on their gas guzzling SUV I realize now that it is an environmental issue. But like most eco-issues their is a deeper problem. Most people believe the Earth is at their disposal. Regardless of what you believe (or rather understand, because it is facts) about global warming not caring about our world shows a disregard for our spiritual purpose. Say the ozone didn’t have a hole, or that greenhouse gases were simply obsolete. I still believe that recycling would need to be just as important because God commands us to care for the Earth numerous times even from the beginning in Jerusalem. The hebrew word from which we get “rule” refers also to that of a steward or servant. So God creates the Earth and humans in his own image, and He declares it to be good. The imagery of the garden as the place of purity appears to be a symbol of how the earth was created to be in the beginning before sin entered the world. And it is good. I am convinced that because God’s entire biblical narrative tells how we as humans are to further His kingdom, that the symbol of the garden is answer to our environmental questions. We ought to journey toward peace between people and the environmental as first described in the garden.
Our society relies on the last overabundance like the fastest car or the biggest house. Everyone is trying to achieve success. The ultimate goal should be to further God’s kingdom and in my opinion it is a lot less trouble than scrambling to the top of the wealth ladder. In fact, when asked how to inherit eternal life Jesus plainly responds with love the Lord with all your heart, and love your neighbor as our self. What if the next story Jesus uses to define a neighbor covers a broader scope than just people, but actually loving our entire environment in a resourceful manner like the samaritan? I might be speculating but Jesus could be speaking about a overall lifestyle revolving around always looking for opportunities to serve. The samaritan, using the necessary supplies like bandages and money for he innkeeper provided for another man’s needs in order to serve God. This relates to how I want to live. I want to possess only the materials I need to serve my Lord. If that means cutting back on my possessions like how the samaritan used his own money to provide, then I want to reconsider my choices in why I have the things I have. Everything I own should be at the disposal of my Lord. Do I really that extra t shirt when I have twenty others that already do the job of clothing myself? Then I think about the real issue. My wanting new clothes reveals a lack of confidence in myself that I need fabrics of new colors and design to keep satisfaction in my own mind and among my peers. It goes back to the overabundance. Most of the supplies I think I cannot do without I can do without.
Occasionally when I hear the church examine the environmental issues apathy rings true. We just don’t have time to worry about these topics. It is not just about trees and oceans. It stems back to our clutter filled lifestyles rampaging in the fast lane with CO2 gases emitting behind us. Maybe environmental indifference is only a side effect of the real issue of losing the heart of the good samaritan.
“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s need, but not every man’s greed” ---Ghandi

Sorry if that was a stream of conscience.. and I only got like a fourth of my list so more to come.

In the Backseat

2007-07-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

I happened to encase the real me on our mission trip. But the understanding that came with sacrificing my time and effort kind of started to scare me. In a way, I had been living a lie by living spiritually unhealthy. For example, not until I got back from Mexico did I somewhat realize the power that could come from praying on my knees. The actual physical position places one into a surreal, holy mood and concentration followed by reflection bellows over with vulnerability. It might even be emotional.

A word we like to skip here in Male America. Emotion.

Or rather, I like to skip.

It is much easier to just avoid getting in the messy, murky place of emotional vulnerability. I am not talking about those emo cliques, I am talking about a powerful Holy Spirit that sensually draws us to the alter. What if my spirituality was so captivating, so obsessive that I could not help but be overwhelming with emotion from the overflow of God’s grace and blessings?

I see this clearly in my grandparents. My grandpa can choke up just talking about relationships he has made that clearly define God’s spirit moving through the world. Just the other day, for example, my grandma teared and told me how much she yearned for heaven, and in the same tears, commanded me to celebrate at her funeral.

The first night in El Paso I drew a sketch of the scene painted in front of my solo time. I drew the road leading to the border and described my thoughts of what I was entering and what I was leaving behind. I was leaving my state of peace for a fearfully position, and uncomfortable and challenging road ahead.

“I like the peace; in the back seat.

I don’t have to drive,

I don’t have to speak.”

Then calamity struck when it was most important. I made a list of all the baggage I needed to leave at the steps of America: fear, worry, doubt, confusion, judgement, misconception, flippancy and sarcasm. Even the mountains, with all of their desert brute appeared to shelter me from Mexico.

Mexico taught me to jump into the water. I realized their were so many things in the world I did not know. I felt helpless. The basic form of communication and understanding, language, stripped away. The simplest little concepts could not be conveyed. But the most important, and for that matter intense, emotions passed all language barriers. The drug effect of a hug still remained.

“I’ve been learning to drive,

my whole life!”

The internal struggle and realization taught me how to feel emotion again. It can’t be formulated into tiny calculations, where if one person says one thing another person will give the appropriate response. Pretty robotic.

But I would rather just enjoy the peace, of the backseat. If I gave my heart to the Spirit’s calling it might be dangerously emotional. I might have to learn new things and admit my ignorance. Admit that I’ve been learning to drive life, my whole life---but at least I am willing to take the risk and learn to follow His steps.

Because of the Times

2007-07-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis, in his Screwtape Letters, writes from the viewpoint of a devil teaching how to trap humans into a lifestyle of sin. Speaking of the ‘Enemy’, or our God, one devil writes this:

“The Enemy loves platitudes. Of a proposed course of action He wants men, so far as I can see, to ask very simple questions: Is it righteous? Is it prudent? Is it possible? Now, if we can keep men asking: Is it in accordance with the general movement of our time? Is it progressive or reactionary? Is this the way that History is going? They will neglect the relevant questions.”

Too often I get swept away with how I can approach the general Christian ‘movement’ with a new mindset. I challenge ideas all of the time and sometimes I only toss these things in my head so it will directly relate to our culture and to my needs, selfishly assuming what I need appeals to everyone. Lewis brings up a brilliant point that reminded me of the real questions I should be asking which depend on God for understanding through prayer and reflection.

I happen to be a super analytical person---I do consider it my weakness when it comes to spirituality. I judge my environment obsessively that occasionally I can’t even enjoy the simply encouragements like a sincere worship service. I want my version of Church, and Christianity for that matter, to be continually evolving. Maybe I am missing the point when I wrestle like this, because I forget that God is in fact everlasting and spiritual history as a way of making a point. Rich discernment focused on God’s will appears to be the way to discover how we should evolve, not how the media is reacting to our Time.

Jesus Christ was the ultimate radical who changed the Jewish way of thinking forever. But he didn’t just shatter the law, the old way of doing things; he built on them, keeping the foundation that God placed for his grand plan. Jesus never broke Jewish law given by God (as our pastor pointed out today, for example, the rules for the Sabbath were created by man). His respect for the law, while preaching new concepts (not commandments) gives us an illustration of how to handle change. Accordingly, I long to mirror my thoughts like Christ when it comes to the ‘post-modern’ church or whatever they are calling it these days. In Mexico I saw real love’s timeless power and it makes our arguments over spiritual preferences look ridiculous.

May the American version of church revolve around the solid vision of Christ and not how our wobbly society develops.

Sleeping With the Lights On

2007-06-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

My original view of Mexico was a struggling country on the doorstep on the States, but never in my mind could I have imagined the extent of poverty gripping Juarez: dead dogs on the side of the dirt roads that turn to mud in the rain, children playing in nasty sewage barefoot among leftover construction supplies from the millions of factory houses smaller than our average bathroom.

Absolutely overwhelming details.

The second night of our stay at a church in the roughest area of Juarez everyone was so delirious that we forgot to clean up our messes after eating. About an hour and a half after everyone hit the sack the roaches made their move. The result was screaming girls with flip flops as weapons against the bugs and frustrated men ready to just get some quiet sleep. It was an experience that scared everyone into a paranoid edge.

Yet the next night everyone embraced the roaches with humor and confidence; we slept with the lights on and told ourselves that whatever happened, at least we would be able to see the Enemy. The problem was stripped away of frightening mystery and faced purely illuminated.

I arrived into this third world with safety in mind. Toward the end of week, though, I was struck at how I really wanted to let my guard down after being broken in every possible way. If I could fight for the real problems around me instead of avoiding my fears I believe I would move forward in spiritual mission.

For example, I used to believe poverty was a straining spiritual distraction. How could anyone find Jesus without the clarity that comes from food? In Juarez I witnessed the humble example of a Spanish family that could barely afford food to feed themselves feed our entire team of twenty people. Maybe the real problem with poverty-stricken people is not their hearts or their lack of spiritual energy, because all of that might already be in place; could it be that they simply have not been introduced to source of their spiritual energy, that being the Lord Jesus Christ?

I write these words in the El Paso breeze watching the millions of factory lights shine bright. I think every stucco house has a plot that explodes with the ability to change the world but without the real foundation of ‘Cristo’ all hope will become Spanish dust. My resolution is to face every situation with this confident honesty, with the lights on. I am sick of making excuses for my anxiety and I want to have a story to to share with every person I encounter.

The Cliff Hanging Song

2007-06-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

It is good to be back! Finally I have inhaled summer and all of its spiritual freedom to think with clarity. It seems like forever since I have had the time or the will for that matter to articulate thoughts, so I hopefully this short blog will get my mind rolling.

I don’t remember who recognized it, whether it was in a book or song but I once heard that the international language is pain as opposed to love. All around the world one can identify suffering as real marking inside everyone; for some it is a physical scar but for others it is deep emotional distress.

The Psalmists relay this mark of sorts continually. It is almost like they are constantly running away from evil, and the words of their songs are the only reflections of happiness. Could the mediation we accept as the Psalms be cries of desperation, when the most urgent praise to God slurred forth? I don’t know about the original Hebrew words, but my NIV translation certainly conveys a slurring repetition, with a continuing theme recounted in a hundred different ways.

“Indignation grips me because of the wicked, who have forsaken the law.’

Yet,

“Your decrees are the theme of my song wherever I lodge.”

The image I have is a man gripping the side of cliff, his eyes closed and mind focused on the truth that God brings. These defining moments that test our patience and endurance prove to be the most strengthening. I find restoration when I am stripped of what was hindered me and return to my knees in awe of His grace.

At this moment my internal battle is spiritual confusion. I am trying to consider my whole purpose in attending college. The opportunities are endless, but I just don’t know which way to turn. Sometimes I want to just break away into a simpler lifestyle, maybe overseas away from routine and into the heart of suffering to fight for relief. I want my career to be one of service, and too often I contemplate the possibilities with selfish ambition.

But when I swirl like this, I remember the only thing that is guarantee in life and that is the promise Jesus created through his sacrifice. I yearn for a life without my petty luxuries, one that is urgent even to get my heart into gear for the Lord.

“To all perfection I see a limit,
but your decrees are boundless.”

Questions of purpose

2007-03-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

What is belief?

Could it be understanding, coming to terms with wisdom and emotion? Science that grapples at facts cold from manuals? Might it spark like a revelation, disappearing before we can really experience it?

I recently heard in a movie that there is no difference between a cop and a criminal at gunpoint. They have served their purpose while fate decides their sentence. Death was an innocence waiting between the simple prayers we cry for righteousness and the sins we distribute behind closed doors.

And that makes perfect sense to many people.

Certainly we seem argue how life just makes sense when everyone is peaceful and striving for goodness. But the reality is there is one working against us like an arsonist searching to set idle fuel off. Sometimes I can’t respect the danger. It can’t be just a good versus evil battle: there must be something deeper, something written in stone that goes beyond just living for the good of mankind.

Paul in his letter to the Hebrews writes with great urgency: “For if the message spoken by angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation?”

I wonder---do I really crave the purity I read about, that I see everywhere and hear in the hidden messages remarking from everyone’s lips? Or do I choose to settle for my indifferent attitude like a moth to the flame?

The scariest thought is that belief is a lifestyle from the first breath of life; that every choice be judged and reasoned authentically. But grace, the swaying measure that I will never fathom. What are the scales, how many lashes?

I hear Jesus Christ cry his last on the cross, cringing at the suffering beyond mere citizen death. For that, this much is sound: “Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case---things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, and in order to make your hope sure.” -Hebrews 6: 9-11

I pray for remembrance in the times I serve and a clean slate when I slip.

Telescoping

2006-10-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I picture God as a kid at the zoo looking through the telescope at my apelike movements. Scrapping for what little wisdom I can find in the times I have worshipped God in the stars holds me over, but is never enough to carry me to the life I want to live. I slip back into the comfort zone of I what I call a busy industrious life, far away from any mountains swirling with God’s breath. It is a life of little change that is easy to live until diseases rise to the surface.
Temptations tear layers of prayer and concentration away like a haunting ghost. If only life was simpler with fewer potholes, we could drive the road to peace serving all who are stopped at the side of the road. Instead I let my own situations destroy my opportunities to praise God in people. My ego is screaming for attention while the night bike rides tell me to stoop to the broken.
I would much rather just be an artist secluded from the world in mediation. Instead the world says college, job, wife, kids, medicare and death. I want a happy medium where I can serve with my talents without worldly standards. But what I want and what God has planned are two different things; I can only listen.

There is a mystery I don’t plan on solving.

The stars, they shine for You

2006-10-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have decided I am a teenage Chris Martin (frontman of coldplay): just enough soul searching while living in a “beautiful world,” but mysteriously insecure about genuine intimacy. People say they don’t understand me, never showing my true colors. And that is true, often I cannot get close enough to a person to spill, and it is not a trust thing, it is a personality. Tricks go on in my mind, because I decide this is who I am, who God made me to be. But a social world changes my ideas and God’s ideas, so I slip back into hiding.
But part of me understands that this is wonderful. I hold back pieces that only God can have, and this is the reason why I cannot tell you the real me. No human mind can figure me out; only God knows every single aspect, every situation I have encountered.
Intimacy could be amazing in its purest form, in God. Sharing God’s glory with another person in a way only He can provide promises to open doors I never thought existed. Believing in the person in front of us, not because we can grasp what they are made of, but because our faiths collide for a deeper connection in God. I have experienced glimpses of such intimacy at retreats and gatherings, where the deepest desire is to praise God.
I cannot tell you what I am truly like. I can tell you stories, of when the moon was so bright and I was a reflection, biking down a hill faster than cars with music so loud I could not hear myself breathe, though my heart was pounding like the bass riff in “Shiver.” Some call this paranoia; I call it God.
“I want to fly, I’ll never come down.”

One Body, one day..

2006-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

It seems like the most powerful emotions come from the things that are not safe. For a long time, I believed that the Bible was a boxed in list of formulas for me to follow, if I wanted to be a good Christian. But a lot happened this summer, and at school, and my experiences have led me to believe otherwise.
Acts, at least to me, is the most adventurous book in the bible. The apostles were constantly on the move, serving, teaching, creating, testing, rebuking, encouraging… it is all one big learning process to what we call the “first church.” Nothing was set in stone, except for the words of Christ. But our culture’s church appears to have all the rules in place. Where did these rules come from? Sure, the apostles gave guidelines, and some of them were very strict, but look at the way we worship, only on Sunday mornings.. is that the way the apostles approached worship? They were constantly singing and praising God, and I don’t even believe there was a set day of the week for them to do it.
Americans often view Christianity as a religion, when it should be a lifestyle. It is assumed, at least in Bryant, that you have had some kind of run in with religion, most likely Christianity, so there isn’t a way to tell each other apart. We separate ourselves into denominations, making sure we don’t associate with each other. Oh, how I long for a day when we are united! Where Christ is all that matters, and we could test each other with Christ’s word in peaceful unity, because of His grace!
Maybe the church was like that at first, but arguments over interpreting Christ’s words made people break away and create different “kinds” of Christianity. I believe there is a movement among our generation to rebuild, because people are kingdom thinking instead of church thinking.

Watch the storm from safety

2006-09-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

I see pain in just about everyone's eyes, including mine. They are happy momentarily with that new girlfriend, but the minute they break up it is crushing; the worldly happiness is so much fun, then so much pain. It is wears away. The pleasure is useless. It is fading.
Like dust. (you heard me right, brett).
In the movie "hildago," a man and his horse race across the Sahara Desert, and a story of strong friendship between man and animal unfolds. I recall the final scene, in which a huge sandstorm chases them, but the horse rides fast enough to get the man behind an abandoned building for safety. Quite unrealistic, but beautiful when compared to my spirituality.
Jesus has picked me up, carrying me away from the storm I call my life. The dust, bones of old age and pleasure rot sweep right past me, the world trouble a joke.
Because I made it to the building. The building of God, and Jesus carried me there. And it wasn't just a last minute grace thing. The horse would not have sacrificed everything to save the rider if he didn't have some kind of relationship with him.
"Step out from time, see the dust of nations.. Saturn will not sleep until the dust has made us clean" --thrice
O commentary, and the things I wonder. The beautiful mystery captivates me, and I can't stop questioning! Testing, probing (see the book ' velvet Elvis'), Wrestling!

Listening...

(note: this is an entry in my journal from a long time ago, so I will update to recent stuff later)

Augustana, help me!

2006-08-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

I haven’t blogged in forever, but tonight I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest. I am, quite frankly, terribly horrified of the future. Yes, I know this is faithless, but it seems to be something I just can’t get over. It doesn’t help that when I think I’ve got plans all figured out, I question myself constantly, eventually killing the whole idea in the process of thinking it out.
I was thinking about the song Boston: “I think I’ll go to Boston, I think I’ll start a new life.” I’ve been creating this attitude of mine that I am so ready to get out of Bryant, and just start over where “no one knows my name.” But then again, I honestly question myself about whether or not I would be able to adapt to such an environment, being the homegrown boy I sadly am. I love my friends, freakishly more than I realize, because it is what I am used to, and I love comfort. It’s uncomfortable for me to sit around with people I don’t know, and try to act like I am trying to get to know them, when with all of my being I wish I was with my comfort friends. Wow, I am totally selfish.
Then, I try to argue that maybe it is just the type of people that ticks me off. For example (no hard feelings), it is difficult to meet country boys, private schoolers, and women (sigh.), so I say, if only it was soccer players, journalists, and women of my type, I could easily adapt and develop strong relationships.
That’s not life, that high school. Stuck on cliques, so strongly, and I do it without even thinking. People are people, I am determined to prove that theory into a law. Molding them into what they aren’t isn’t worth it, so I need to teach myself how to be community man without getting frustrated. I could just carry around a sweet Jesus-mask, complete with full beard, and ask anyone who looks hard to talk to wear it. Or I could grow up, soon.
So I’ll look to this school year with enthusiasm, not because I heart Bryant High School, but because I heart the Jesus in people. I plan on sitting with a different group of people every week, just so I can talk with other folks. Cuz you know, I think I am falling in love with Him, which means everyone around me. Even you, country boy.

When Nature Calls..

2006-07-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

I am a relatively simple Christian, in the fashion that nearly any emotional experience can drive me to feel the presence of God. I consider it a nature sort of thing, where the sunset drives, flowing rivers, and intimidating mountains pressure my soul more than any book every written. I guess you could say, when enduring such experiences, I am forced to think back to the beginning of it all, and ask myself, how could this just all be a coincidence?

It is funny how I will read such a deep, physiological book or passage, and find statements ridiculous… over thinking, to be simple. I would enjoy comparing their theses to Mount Everest, even the family of birds nesting in the nook between the siding and my back porch door. I would challenge them to focus, not on the ideas in their coffee infested heads, but on the nature around them. Amazing how approaching my life’s purpose from this angle will automatically take me to a Higher Being.

Every detail is perfect… if the sun were one fraction of a step closer to Earth, we would be planet toaster sandwich, with flowing lava on the side to wash it down; one fraction of a step farther away, and ice would replace everything, including the flowing lava. So if the setting was created perfectly for humans, doesn’t it make sense that humans were created for something better than just existing? Sure, perfection doesn’t exactly define our planet, considering every human has pain; but remember, everyone was born with a soul, mind, and heart, and while one part may be stronger than another, I feel like each part serves a purpose in my walk to Heaven.

Brave New World

2006-07-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

"We can make a new one [person] with the greatest ease---as many as we like. Unorthodoxy threatens more than the life of a mere individual; it strikes at Society itself. Yes, at Society itself." -Brave New World

In Brave New World, which i am currently reading, one man "threatens" society with his unorthodoxy, and the Director speeches out against him in the above words.

Ask any English teacher about this quote, and immediately they will reach for the modern days. We students hear the usual, if the future generation doesn't educate themselves or strive for individuality, we will all become like Brave New World. Frankly, I am sick of this message. It is constantly being pushed on young people, whether in music, writing, television, movies, etc. But i want to focus on music for a second. It seems obvious nowadays that each band should have a song that talks about how we are all becoming alike, and are slowly edging toward individual distruction. The reason this ticks me off is because they do this with the attitude that they are the only people artistically challenging themselves... did they ever think that they were just looking in the wrong places? (trying changing the channel from MTV, for example)

When i go to an amazing retreat, and i feel the passion of all the teachers, and i see how young people react to such speakers, i think there is no way we could become one "Society." All of this folks, with such passions, could never be hammered down into a mold; and they people they influence will not be able to be destroyed either. Or even Boys State, the most elite gathering of young men; there is no way that one can think that the delegates would take part in one Society after witnessing their passion, let alone the master Boys Nation delegates.

Yes, i can understand a reason for alarm when you see certain parts of humanity, like MTV shows. We should always be on our toes, continually gaining knowledge and allow these cries for society to not frustrate those who are fighting, but rather motivate to prove them wrong.

women, and assorted fruits.

2006-07-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

the usual, you pass two happy lovers, holding hands and walking in the park. if i was to pressure all of the many "readers" who stumble upon this blog into believing that this scene, while beautiful, is ridiculiouousousous (sp?), they would quickly form a mob, and the results would be madness.
I use that intro to say, i will use this blog to splurt out my thoughts on women and assorted, messed up thoughts, but will zoom out to see the real picture, the genuine love behind relationships, and that is in our Lord Jesus Christ. this i will strive for, but feel free to keep me in line. scribble dizzle, out.